Iron Man

by Michael Widman

Iron Man" is the story of billionaire weapons developer Tony Stark (played by Robert Downey Jr.) who finds himself kidnapped by a fanatical militia whilst on a business trip to the Middle East and must fashion an impenetrable, iron super-suit in order to escape. Once back in America, he grows a conscience, puts the final touches on that super-suit, and proceeds to lay waste to the murderous weapons he helped create as well as any villains that would stand in the way.
This the official story, but the real story is far more interesting: Universal and Marvel’s attempt not only to create a lucrative new franchise, which is perfectly understandable, but also to rebirth Robert Downey Jr. as the family-friendly driver of this ultra expensive racecar – ala Johnny Depp in Disney’s Pirates of the Carribean. I don’t think it is going to work as well for Universal and Marvel as it did for Disney. No disrespect to Downey, who is a fine actor, but Tony Stark is no Captain Jack: he’s just not as fun or funny or interesting. Plus, there is a slight difference in the real-life baggage of the two actors involved: one trashed a hotel room once and was found in criminal possession of lame-ass sunglasses and a ski cap; the other was injecting smack and introducing himself to his Malibu neighbors while in bed – their bed, not his.

By the way, the idea that these guys like Depp or Downey (or even Travolta with Pulp Fiction, for that matter) have finally “arrived” after years of struggling is a bit much. After all, I wouldn’t call making millions per movie (albeit often bad ones) over the years struggling – it’s not as if they had to support themselves by working as “mobile pet groomers” like most actors in L.A have to. But I digress… Supporting cast is impressive enough – Gwyneth Paltrow as Tony Stark’s loyal assistant “Pepper Potts”, Terence Howard as military man “Jim Rhodes” and Jeff Bridges as… well, I don’t really remember the character’s name, but boy he looked terrible! If I may paraphrase the late, great John Vernon, who played Dean Wormer in “Animal House”: fat, bald and Grizzly Adams-bearded is no way to go through life, son! But then, that’s why he’s the villain! Did you just..? You didn’t just… OH, SON OF A BITCH!!!!!

Speaking of Gwyneth Paltrow, she’s looking as fetching as ever. I don’t care what Kathy Griffin says – I’d nail her! And I’m guessing by the razor-thin depth that her character Pepper was imbued with by the writer, that was the intention all along, so I’m safe! Don’t hate me!
Besides, Gwyneth Paltrow still owes me and the rest of the world a debt which she will probably be paying off for the rest of her natural life. This is for a crime she committed about 10 years ago and not only was not prosecuted for at the time, but was actually rewarded for: yes, I’m speaking of “Shakespeare In Love.” How many suicides could have been prevented by never releasing that damn movie? Sadly, we’ll never know for sure. Terence Howard plays “Jim Rhodes” – military liaison to Tony Stark. Terence Howard…Terence Howard…wasn’t he one of the guys in the movie “Crash?” Hey, that movie won Best Picture, didn’t it? Yeah, it beat… “Brokeback Mountain!”… Give me a break.

Anyway, Iron Man is directed by John Favreau. It is rated PG13. It has a running time of about 126 minutes, and it will probably make a billion dollars at the box office. What the hell do I know any way. Go check it out, buy lots of popcorn, and try not to blow your brains out.